The Emma Pillsbury Diary
by obsessedgleek
Summary: Inside Emma's mind.
1. Chapter 1

Welcome to The Emma Pillsbury Diary.

As I wrote in my 'Why We Need More Emma Pillsbury on Glee' tumblr entry, Emma is one of the most interesting and complex characters on Glee. Jayma is able to convey the interesting binary opposites of Emma's character to perfection and elicit enormous empathy. She is strong but vulnerable; naïve but insightful; is hazy about her own needs but can help others find clarity in an instant; sexy but innocent; poised but unsure. Her OCD is perhaps the root cause of these opposites and it serves to make her even more intriguing.

It is for this reason, I felt I had to step inside the mind of Emma Pillsbury to figure out why she made some of the decisions she did (marrying Carl being one of them or was that just the writers taking the liberty to prolong Wemma's unrequited love?) I do not suffer from OCD and therefore have spent many hours trawling through web pages and academic articles on the nature of anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders and their impact on relationships in an attempt to educate myself about the disorder and get inside the mind of a person with OCD. If you're reading this diary and you suffer from OCD and think I'm way off the mark then I apologize. At the end of the day it is only fanfiction and like the Glee writers I do take creative liberties. For my readers I've tried to balance amusing, frustrating and enlightening. I hope it's engaging.

For those of you who have read my Wemma analysis I believe the course of the Wemma relationship has journeyed through Emma's mind of obsession, fear, denial, admittance, acceptance and love and these diary entries also follow that course. The entries are grouped together by episode. Ultimately there will be 44 chapters to bring us up to the end of Season 2.

Happy reading Wemma shippers.


	2. Chapter 2

Emma Pillsbury's Diary

Episode 1

**Compulsions are a lousy solution to the problem of having obsessions. **

**Fred Penzel**

Dear Diary,

At precisely 12.08 I entered the staff room. He was there. I knew he would be. He arrives at 12.06 every day. I like that he arrives on an even number. I love his regulatory (quality #1). He was wearing his blue shirt. My heart skipped a beat when he said 'Hi'. Unfortunately Ken was also there. Sue was giving them lattes. How anyone could drink out of those cardboard cups is beyond me. Made in a factory on machinery that could contain who knows how much bacteria. Then transported in trucks that carry all sorts of things, that get layered in dirt and grime from the road then handled by numerous pairs of hands. Have I washed my hands? I'd better wash them again. Hang on diary. Be right back.

That took a bit longer than anticipated. I touched the bathroom doorknob before I'd washed my hands which meant it had to be cleaned too. And since I was cleaning that one, I decided I should clean all of the door handles, then I cleaned all of the faucets.

Anyway, Sue was raving on about how her Cheerios 'performed' on Fox Sport. I said 'but you went $600 over budget and since when are cheerleaders performers?' Will looked impressed with my comment. She really likes to intimidate people. I don't like Will to think me weak or easily intimidated. Then he sat down next to me! He never looks at me weirdly because I wear gloves or sniggers like some people do. Unfortunately Ken sat down too. Ken asked me why I wasn't at the single's mixer the other night. I had to think quickly. I couldn't say I had seen a spider on the wall in the kitchen and I couldn't get rid of the thought that it must have crawled all through my cupboards. With all of it's 8 furry legs (I'm getting sweaty hands now, just thinking about it) and that I'd spent my Saturday night emptying out all of my cupboards, disinfecting them and washing all of their contents, twice. I washed everything; including the walls. I couldn't tell Will that, I just couldn't. So I said a pipe exploded in my building and I gave my number to a fireman. At least that made me sound like I wasn't alone. Alone with my obsessions and compulsions. Will replied that there was someone out there for everyone. My heart melted. (Quality #2: reassuring). He is the someone for me. Why does he have to be married?

Dear Diary,

He wasn't in the staff room at 12.06 and I was wondering where he could have been. Perhaps I didn't align all of my shoes up properly this morning. I sat alone and quickly ate my grapes. I decided to take a walk outside where there weren't any kids coughing or sneezing. I was thinking of his kind eyes (Quality #3) and then wondering if he was wearing a vest or that nice blue shirt again, when SPLAT! I stepped straight into some gum. I froze. My heart started racing. I couldn't control my thoughts, they were coming thick and fast: the gum had been in someone's mouth and it was now on the bottom of my shoe. It was full of bacteria. Mouths are full of bacteria. What if the germs crept up my legs? What if I got sick? And there was no cure? I didn't want to go to hospital. I didn't want to die. Then Will materialized in front of me. I couldn't talk. He took my foot in his hand (such strong but gentle hands. Quality #4) and he scraped off the gum. I didn't even watch. I just looked at his strong jaw line (Quality #5) and perfect nose (Quality #6) and thought 'You have a beautiful profile' (Quality 7). It was a Cinderella moment. He even called me Cinderella! I didn't want him to think I was a helpless female who couldn't deal with a bit of gum, so I explained that I have trouble with messy things. He didn't seem perturbed at all. (Quality # 8.) He was preoccupied with how to get the popular kids to get to join his Glee club and he wanted my advice. He really seems to value my opinion. I really admire him for taking over the Glee club. There are lots of kids in that school who need a safe place to express themselves and be who they are. Will really cares about them. (Quality #9). After I got home tonight and went through my usual decontamination ritual of washing my clothes, myself and then the shower, I spent the rest of the night scrubbing and disinfecting my Penelope Mary Jane Pumps which shall from this time on be called my Cinderella shoes. If there had been a trace of gum on the sole I would have thrown them out, but Will didn't leave a trace. (Quality #10).

Dear Diary,

Will put up a notice requesting chaperones for New Directions. I didn't think twice.

Dear Diary,

Am I being punished for going out with Will Schuester? Ken came to my car and asked me out on another date. This time to monster trucks. Do I look like the sort of person that would be interested in monster trucks? I didn't want to be unkind, but since my lies about having cluster headaches or my period every time he asks me out don't seem to deter him from bugging me, I tried telling him the truth. I said in very simple English I'm just not interested in dating him. I like somebody else but they're unavailable so I have to deal with that. In retaliation Ken put his saliva on my car. I had to get in the passenger side. I drove straight to the car wash. I spent the next hour there going through the wash again and again. When I got home I had an extra long shower in scalding hot water. Then I opened my wardrobe and spent the rest of the evening deciding what I would wear tomorrow for my 'date' with Will Schuester. I know he has a black jacket he sometimes wears. I've decided to wear something with a bit of black in it, just in case. What if he wants to buy lunch? I can't eat lunch? Not lunch made by someone else. Will he think me strange if I bring my own sandwich? No, it's economical. I'll make him one too.

Dear Diary,

I had the best day and I wasn't plagued by nearly so many thoughts. Apart from thoughts about Will but I like those thoughts. Thank God he didn't want the kielbasa, so fatty and sitting in that bain-marie for who knows how long and aren't the sausage casings made from pig's intestines? Some are. I don't understand it at all. How has the European population survived this long? I offered him half my pb&j. So we sat down and he said it was the best he's ever tasted! (Quality #11). Although maybe it just tasted so good because he hasn't eaten peanut butter in so long. He doesn't eat nuts because his wife can't eat them. So considerate. (Quality #12). He's been married for 5 years but he's known her since he was 15, she was his first girlfriend. How romantic. Why couldn't we have gone to the same school? Then he might have known me. But he would have thought I was weird. I _was_ weird then. Everyone said I was. They just didn't understand I had to keep things neat and clean. Will would never have deliberately messed up my desk or moved my pencils out of alignment to see me cry. So it's not like he's dated lots of women. He's loyal (Quality # 13). I asked him if he believed in love at first sight. And he did. I do too. The first time I saw him, my stomach started doing cartwheels. I couldn't breathe properly and I felt hypnotized by him. It kind of felt like an anxiety attack. I wanted to hear all about his marital problems but the bell rang for us to go into the show choirs' performances. He seems positive about working out these hiccups with his wife. She sounds a bit harsh. He said, 'she rides him hard'. Why would you have to 'ride' someone hard? Aren't relationships meant to be caring? Anyway, he seems positive. (Quality #14), he's always reassuring the kids. After seeing Vocal Adrenaline today I might have to label Will as a bit of a dreamer (this could be a quality or a flaw depending on your perspective) because Vocal Adrenaline were INCREDIBLE and I'm not sure how Will is going to get 6 kids, and one is in a wheelchair, close to doing anything like what we saw today. But if anyone can Will can. He believes in the kids (Quality #15) and I have complete faith in him.

Dear Diary,

I _am_ being punished for going out with a married man. Will is leaving McKinley. I'm too sad to write. I need to clean.

Dear Diary,

Today I sat and drew love hearts around Will's head and mulled over him leaving. Rumour has it that his wife is expecting a baby. I don't like to think of him having sex with his wife so I don't want to write any more about it but I know he'll make a great dad, because he has so many qualities and so much to give. I've known Will for over 12 months now and I know he loves teaching. It's his passion. And he loves those Glee kids and it's his dream to get them to Nationals. He won't be happy with himself if he walks out on them. It may make his wife happy but it won't make him happy. It's admirable he wants to provide all he can for his family (Quality # 16) but not when it comes at such a personal cost. He'll last 5 minutes as an accountant or become one of those people disengaged from their own life. He'll end up depressed and alone. The more I think about it, the more I think he's making the wrong decision. I have to show him he's making the wrong decision. On the way to the library I passed the auditorium and heard someone singing. It was Will. He's such a good singer. (Quality #17). He sounded so sad singing Leaving on a Jet Plane. I know he doesn't really want to leave, he's sacrificing what he loves for her and from what he's said about Terri, she's the type that will never be satisfied.

Dear Diary,

'I'll miss you' Will said to me today. Does he feel what I feel? Or is it just me thinking I feel this? He is my friend and I'm his and friends look out for each other and if he can't find his way sometimes, then I need to guide him. I told him he needed some guidance. He told me they _are _having a baby. I said, 'Just come Will, for me?' And he did. (Quality #18: a good friend). I showed him the footage of himself singing and dancing and told him 'that's you happier than I've ever seen you.' I could have looked at him forever. He started crying. I wanted to hug him. I know what it's like to be alone with conflicting thoughts. (Quality #19: in touch with his feelings). I said how are you going to teach your child that 'the only life worth living is the one that you're really passionate about?' We sat for a while talking then I told him to go via the auditorium. I heard Rachel in the corridor today organizing a rehearsal. If I can't persuade him, then maybe the kids can.


	3. Chapter 3

**Pain of mind is worse than pain of body. **

** Publius Syrus**

Dear Diary,

I got to school at 7.36 so I could bump into Will Schuester at 7.46. He was right on time. It seems me mulling over what to wear last night paid off. We were both in periwinkle. He often wears periwinkle on a Monday. He thanked me for my advice. He doesn't have to thank me. It's what I do. I give advice. I'm a guidance councillor. Still it was nice he thanked me. He's always so appreciative (Quality # 20) Then that little vixen Santana Lopez came sashaying past and said to us 'get a room!' Is my lust for him that obvious? I was so embarrassed. I think Will was too. I don't want to spoil our friendship. I've never really had many friends. It's so much easier just to keep to myself with my thoughts. That way I can't get hurt or embarrassed or rejected or have to answer too many questions. But I feel comfortable talking to Will; he makes me feel safe.

Dear Diary,

I found Rachel trying to vomit in the toilet. I called her into my office and we had a chat. Why do girls always think they have to be thin and pretty to attract boys? She wants to look like Quinn Fabray. Well that isn't going to happen unless she has a total face transplant and that's impossible. Rachel is beautiful the way she is. I wanted to tell her that Quinn's not at all pretty on the inside and it's on the inside that matters most. It's a shame some teenage girls don't realize that until they're older, or never realize it. Always pursuing some ideal that is impossible to achieve. I saw Will outside my office and he waved. I waved back. I felt all warm inside. He looked so sexy. (Quality #21). I wondered why he was reading the notice board? Rachel was still talking: Have you ever liked someone so much you want to sit in your room, put on sad music and cry? Have I? OMG YES! How about every other night? And just yesterday, I was in the car playing my Sad Shuffle mix when 'All By Myself' came on and I went through half a box of tissues. But I told Rachel NO! I want to be a positive role model for her. I said, 'You need to protect your heart. A crush, I know about that; he's married with a baby on the way, you don't want to compromise yourself for that. It's not worth the heartache. (Who was I advising? Me or Rachel? Oh yes, Rachel) Have you tried telling him how you feel? Common interests are the key to romance.' I mean look at Will and I. We're both interested in the Glee Club. I told her to Youtube, Helen Reddy's 'I am Woman'. She needs to get her invincibility back. Teenage girls are so vulnerable. So emotional. The only way to make a sensible decision is to keep your emotions out of it.

Dear Diary,

Tonight as I was leaving school late after SAT prep (so I didn't have to be at home by myself), I discovered Will working as a janitor. I helped him clean because I could tell he didn't really know what he was doing - he was using the window cleaner to mop the floor. I'm a girl who knows her solvents. He's struggling to make ends meet so he's taken this extra job. I really admire him for working so hard to achieve what he wants. (Quality #22). He wants me to keep it a secret. Our secret. It makes me feel like we're connected. I told him Miss Hoffmeier doesn't wash her hands after number two's. We scrubbed and chatted together for an hour. I felt excited to be alone with him and I kept asking him questions. Finally he said I'd helped him with his problem, so it was his turn to help me with one of mine. (Quality #23: giving). Suddenly I felt really anxious. But I couldn't deny the fact that I had been cleaning the same object for an hour. I've never told anyone about my problem with messes. It's not really a problem, I mean I can handle it. I do handle it. So I told him about Andrew pushing me into the cow runoff lagoon at the dairy farm that day. He didn't laugh or say I should have gotten over it by now (Quality # 24). Instead he wanted to help me. He put chalk dust on my nose. I wanted to run from it but I looked into his eyes, and I couldn't tear my eyes away. They were like two calm pools of kindness, integrity and purity (Qualities: 25, 26 and 27). I was jumping into those pools when the back of his arm brushed my nose and I smelt the scent of his skin and I felt my legs weaken. I wanted to collapse on the floor or throw myself into his arms. He said something about 10 seconds. I walked off dazed and confused. I keep replaying the scene over and over and over in my head. The look in his eyes. I think he feels what I feel.

Dear Diary,

New Directions did their first performance today. 'Push it.' I was nervous for Will. Teenagers are a tough audience. Some of their dance moves were quite provocative, no wonder we get teen pregnancies, of course Sue had to complain, but I could tell the student cohort really liked it. I was so happy for Will.

Dear Diary,

It's 1am. I've just finished cleaning the fridge. I thought I had some food in there past the use by date. I can't still my mind. I got out my tape measure and made sure all my shoes were exactly 4cm apart. Then I checked my clothes to see that they were hanging in colour order and length order. Today I got a cold hard slap in the face, metaphorically speaking. I think I deserved it. I was in the staff room wiping my grapes and thinking about meeting Will again after school to help him with the cleaning when Ken asked me out, this time to the tulip festival. I was about to say no again when he asked me why I was fooling around with Will. I'm not fooling around with him, I'm just helping him clean. Then he said, 'You never want to be the rebounder.' And that's when it hit me: Even if Will did leave his pregnant wife (and he never would because he's loyal and has integrity) he might not want me. I'm just a distraction. Or a catalyst. An excuse for him to leave her if he doesn't love her, but it doesn't mean he'd stay with me. I'd still be on my own and I wouldn't even have him as a friend. What am I doing? I'm Will's friend, nothing more, nothing less. Don't wreck it Emma. Ken told me he could provide for me, he's a minority so he'll always a have job. In this town I won't do any better. He's right. If I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, Ken is my only realistic option.

Dear Diary,

I was scrubbing the drinking fountain with a toothbrush today when Will came up to me. I told him I couldn't meet him tonight to try out his new disinfecting bleach wipes in the boys' bathroom. He looked disappointed. I said, 'Will what are we doing? You're having a baby.'

I told him I have a date with Ken. Just like the lyrics I heard in that song Rachel was singing in the corridor this afternoon: It's over now.


	4. Chapter 4

The Emma Pillsbury Diary

Dear Diary,

Will came into my office today to chat. He's feeling a little insecure. (Quality #28: He's not egotistical like some teachers here or overly confident). The kids have been giving him a hard time about his dance routines and nasty pasty Quinn had the audacity to challenge his credentials as a performer. Poor Will, it weakened his confidence in himself. My OCD is always doing that. I wanted to reassure him that he's the best dancer I've ever seen (Quality #29) and the kids are just being kids, but I didn't. Instead I suggested that perhaps he just never found the guts to perform. It takes more certainty than talent to be a performer, I mean look at John Stamos and all of those late night talk show hosts, they have no talent, but they think they have. Will's just nervous about being a dad and wanting to set a good example. (Quality #30). He asked me if it was cool to unload on me. There he is being all considerate again. He doesn't want it to be awkward between us. Such a good friend. I wanted to say, I want you to tell me everything about you. I love helping you with your problems. You coming into my office is the highlight of my day and I sit here waiting for you to arrive. No. I couldn't say that. That would have made it awkward. I value his friendship too much. So I said, 'We're both in relationships now. Ken is flawed, but there is nothing sexier than confidence.'

Dear Diary,

Oh be still my beating heart. Acafellas performed tonight. I went to support Will, I mean Ken. Will was so SEXY. I thought I'd faint. If only I had the guts to tell him how I really feel. But I can't feel that. He's married. With a baby on the way. Will looked me straight in the eye and threw me a kiss. Or maybe it was too Terri, she was sitting behind me. Yes Diary, I met Terri and his parents. Will is right, Terri doesn't seem to have any 'lightness' in her. She hardly cracked a smile and who could not smile when looking at Will? I told his parents they should be very proud of him. They said they were.

Dear Diary,

I went to tell Will that Henri had downed 6 bottles of cough medicine and he's been sent to rehab. Ken thought I'd come to break up with him. Why don't I break up with him? He has so many flaws, I've lost count. No, I can't. It's over with Will and I have to move on and see the good in Ken. He respects me. (Quality #2). Will got all down about Henri and Acafellas being over before they'd even got more than one gig. My heart went out to him. So I said he shouldn't quit, Van Halen didn't collapse after David Lee Roth quit.

Dear Diary,

I really misjudged Sue. She got the Cheerios to help out with the Glee Club fundraiser. It was my idea to do a car wash. I love a car wash. My dad used to let me wash his tyres with my toothbrush if I got all A's. I would go through reams of paper getting my work just right. Sometimes it would take all night. The teacher always said she admired how neat my hand writing was and I would decorate the borders with intricate floral patterns. Sue interrupted my reverie with a comment that really hurt. She said she was shocked I wasn't married but she said it in that sarcastic tone of hers. Why did I even talk to her? I was just trying to be friendly. She's right though. Who would put up with my cleaning obsession? No one. I am unlovable.

Dear Diary,

Acafellas performed at school. At least dating Ken means I get to see Will perform. He sang 'Sex You Up'. He's doing what he loves (Quality #31) and it makes him look even more handsome. OMG Will, come and sex me up!


	5. Chapter 5

The Emma Pillsbury Diary

Dear Diary,

Ken insisted on sitting with me in the staff room for lunch today. I was hoping Will would be there so I wouldn't have to listen to Ken talking about himself. Will wasn't in the staff room and I couldn't help but feel disappointed. He arrived at 12.16. He said 'I hope I'm not intruding', as if he could ever be intrusive. I wanted to jump up and hug him. But that would have made things awkward. We're just friends. I couldn't wait to tell him I saw Sue Sylvester on the late local news last night. Ken called me a local news junkie, he's got his own theory on why I watch local news. He can think what he likes, he'll never know why. But diary I can tell you. When I can't sleep at night because I get a thought in my head I can't rid of (admittedly often these are thoughts of Will.) I turn on the late news, I like to see other people's lives are worse than my own. Before anyone could delve any further on the topic, Sue arrived with donuts for us. She thinks not remembering anyone's name makes us insignificant. She lauded over us and made our lives seem so dismal. She spoke out loud that I had a mental health issue and Ken was 40 and not married and she denigrated Will's hair. He has glorious curly hair (Quality #32). I'd be willing to run my fingers through his curls, it looks so soft. He'd have to wash it first though.

Dear Diary,

I went to the football match today to support Ken. I used 9 disinfectant wipes on the seat before I could sit down. Then, to my surprise Will arrived. He had asked me yesterday if I was going to the match and I'd said I wasn't sure. I wonder how he found me in the crowd? He sat down next to me and I could feel his body heat. Being close to him set my heart racing, but then it calmed down and it felt so good to be close to him and we cheered and commiserated together over the play (McKinley were woeful). Then something very unexpected happened. The Titans started singing Single ladies – led by Kurt! And then the Titans scored! It was so exciting. Will and I jumped up and hugged each other. He hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe but I didn't want to let go. He is so strong (Quality #33) No one has ever hugged me, I usually can't stand the thought. But I didn't mind. I didn't mind at all.


	6. Chapter 6

The Emma Pillsbury Diary

**Doubt is thought's despair; despair is personality's doubt; Doubt and despair . . . belong to completely different spheres; different sides of the soul are set in motion. Despair is an expression of the total personality, doubt o****nly of thought. **

**- Søren Kierkegaard**

Dear Diary,

I wandered past Will's rehearsal room today after school. They were singing Don't Stop Believing. I wanted to see how they were going without Rachel's voice…she's an enormous loss to Will. He asked me how he thought the Glee club would cope without her and I was totally honest – like the Jamaican bob sled they are long shots. I stood outside the door looking in. I couldn't stop staring at Will's backside. I didn't stay long because Quinn came running out, so I quickly departed. Not surprising that she's throwing up. She's pregnant. Will told me. He came up behind me the other day, I knew he was there before he spoke because I could smell his aftershave – musky and gentle, like him. Anyway, I want to help Will get Rachel back into the Glee club so I called Finn into my office to give him some 'special guidance'. Rachel has a crush on Finn so she's more likely to listen to him than anyone.

Dear Diary,

I did something illegal today. I got April Rhodes' folder for Will. He called her a goddess. I was momentarily consumed with jealousy. She was his first crush. So he has had feelings for someone other than his wife. I tried to warn him that something bad could come of his actions by telling him about the time I started an online flirtation with Andy and after I called it off two months later Versace was dead. He couldn't see the connection but he didn't call me crazy either (Qualtiy #33). Now he's gone to visit April. To her house. If I hadn't stolen the file he wouldn't be seeing her. What if she seduces him? He did call her a goddess. And she has a disease? And she gives it to him? And he becomes sick? And he has to go to hospital? And what if there's no cure? It would be all my fault. He wouldn't sleep around behind his wife's back. But April could seduce him. He's a man after all. What if he leaves Terri and runs off with April? What have I done?

Dear Diary,

I walked past Kurt in the corridor today and I could smell rubbing alcohol. Then he barfed all over my shoes. I had to throw away the entire outfit. Including the shoes. Thank God they weren't the Cinderella shoes. They have a special place in my heart. Initially I was paralysed with fear. I think one of the students lead me to bathroom and rinsed off the vomit. Then I dialled 911 for an ambulance and they took me to the Emergency room where I had four de-contamination showers. The full silkwood. Diary, I'm worried about Will. His desperation is making him blind. He's blinded by April; by his desire to get the Glee club to Sectionals; blind as to why he's doing this and what he's willing to sacrifice to get it. I knew something bad would happen for opening that file. My hands are sore from scrubbing tonight.

Dear Diary,

Invitational: April Rhodes nearly ran me over in the parking lot. I confronted Will about it. I was so angry. I felt forsaken by him. Is he really willing to sacrifice our friendship for winning at sectionals? Why can't I scream and shout at him? I just look at him and my anger dissipates because I understand why he's blind towards her actions. I know he knows that April's moral compass is skew-whiff but he's ignoring it because he desperately wants the kids to experience success and April is talented and attractive. All I could manage was sarcasm. He needs to have more faith in those kids. I was so disappointed in him. I thought I'd been foolish mooning over him. And then he redeemed himself: April didn't come back on stage after her opening drunk number. Instead Rachel did. That girl has the voice of an angel. Will came and sat next to me with a grin on his face as New Directions sang 'Can anybody find me somebody to love?' One of my favourite songs. (Quality #34).


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Diary,

Will had mustard on his cute Kurt Douglas chin dimple. I had to wipe it off. When I touched him It was like electricity passing down my arm. I knew if I looked into his eyes I'd be lost. As it was time seemed to stand still. He was talking about the Glee club lacking energy and thinking they've got it in the bag. He needed to motivate them. I told him about my sticker board as a kid. I always got a sticker for keeping my room so tidy. One time my brother snuck into my room and messed it up and I had a panic attack. Mum went right off at him for upsetting me. It took me hours to get everything back to normal. Then Sue interrupted. She told us that children need to be terrified, it's like mother's milk to them. Then she insulted my blouse. Honestly I can't understand why she's employed at that school.

Dear Diary,

My conversation with Will inspired him to start a competition between the boys and girls. He asked me to be a judge. I was so honoured. 'You are the most honest person I know' he said. I was so flattered. (Quality #35: always pays compliments) I value honesty but I can't tell him just how intense my fear of germs is sometimes. I don't want him to think I'm crazy, even I think I'm crazy sometimes. I know my fears are irrational, but I can't help it. Speaking of crazy, Terri is working at McKinley as the school nurse, despite having no qualifications whatsoever. I think she's jealous of my friendship with Will. She touched my cup. I had to throw it away. She's so…harsh. How can he have a baby with her? She belittled our school. How can she belittle Will's work place? He loves the kids. She's not good for him. She drags him down.

Dear Diary,

Terri was sitting with Will in the staff room. I sat down at another table. She tried to lick the mustard off his chin. It was disgusting. Will thought it was too (Quality #36). He walked out and looked at me apologetically. Then Ken walked up to me. Oh my god it was the worst moment of my life. Out of that ridiculous fanny bag he wears under his protruding stomach he pulled out a ring. An engagement ring! No, no, no, this isn't happening I thought. I won't ride in his car, I won't let him touch me above the wrist. I cried when his elbow accidently brushed my breast. How could he even think I'd say yes? He promised to keep me free of loneliness. And that's all I've thought about tonight as I've cleaned.

Dear Diary,

The girls performed today. Will's plan seems to have worked. They were so energetic. He graciously said it was my idea too. (Quality #36). The girls did a mash up of Walking on Sunshine and Halo and I couldn't help but think about the lyrics: 'Remember those walls I built, well baby they're tumbling down… I'm surrounded by your embrace' and 'I'm walking on sunshine' that's exactly how Will makes me feel. I feel so good helping him. I feel valued, a sense of belonging. He asked me if it was true Ken had asked me to marry him. 'Can you think of any other options I might have.' I replied. He said 'Is that a reason to marry someone?' But It wasn't what I was asking. He knew that. I know he feels something for me but he won't take the leap and I can't really blame him for that. It's really wishful thinking on my half. Later that day, Terri came to my office. I was wary. She's like a tiger waiting to pounce and pounce she did. I stood up to her though. Will is a good man, he's kind and generous and he deserves a lot better than her. She said I only see him for an hour or two each day and I don't really know him. Would I steal him away from a pregnant woman? She's right. I wouldn't. And do I really know Will? My obsession with Will has clouded my judgement. I just want him to be happy and to have that sparkle in his eye. Ken is a perfectly good man. He has cleanliness issues, but I wouldn't have to live with him. What would getting married mean? I'd want to keep my last name and live in separate houses and not see him after school and there would definitely be no big ceremony and we wouldn't have to tell anybody. It could be a secret. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.

Dear Diary,

I told Ken I'd marry him.

Dear Diary,

I told Will. I wanted him to say No, don't marry Ken. Wait for me.' But he didn't. I walked away and turned to see if he was still standing in the corridor. He was. We looked at each other. Whatever is between us is fruitless. I need to protect my heart. Ken is a good man.


	8. Chapter 8

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.

~ Samuel Johnson

Dear Diary,

I lay in bed this morning knowing I needed to get to the bathroom but the thought of accidentally touching the doorknob was frightening. There may have been dangerous bacteria on it. I cleaned the entire bathroom yesterday, including the usual series of disinfectant spraying, washing and rinsing. As usual it took a couple of hours to do it the right way but even so I wasn't sure whether or not I had missed an area, so I had to re-wash the floor. Naturally the doorknob was sprayed and rubbed three times with a bactericidal spray. But what if I missed a spot on the doorknob? I carefully put on my laundered slippers and thought to myself repeatedly, "It's ok, I won't fear the germs and I crossed the floor to the bathroom, careful to do it in exactly 10 steps. I haven't seen Will this week. I can't see him without feeling ashamed. I haven't told my mother or anyone about agreeing to marry Ken.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Diary,

Apparently Ken and I need to be in the same room for the ceremony. I picked Hawaii because it's far from everybody we know. Ken wants a first dance (I will definitely have to wear gloves for that) and we have been arguing about a wedding song. I chose 'I Could Have Danced All Night' from My Fair Lady. How many times have I seen that movie? I love it. I admire Eliza's perseverance and determination and her clothes. Will agreed ICHDAN was very romantic (Quality #37). Oh why can't Ken have such taste in music? He wants The Thong song. So uncouth, so low-brow. I would be humiliated dancing to that. Alas, it is Ken's wedding day too, and I remembered that the kids had done those mash up songs a couple of weeks ago, so I suggested that perhaps we could ask Will if he could mash our songs together. I really don't think they go together, but if anyone can do it, Will can. Ken thought it was a great idea. He's worried I'll step on his toes. Ken has had all of his toe nails removed. I can barely write that without feeling sick. He doesn't believe I can dance. I did have ballet lessons when I was a kid. Will graciously said he'd give us the dance lessons as a wedding present (Quality #38). I'm grateful, excited and nervous.

Later that day, Quinn and Finn came in for advise on how to be cool. Me! I was the most uncoolest girl at school. Not that that means I don't know what it takes to be cool. Then I lost all train of thought: Will walked passed and he was wearing his sunglasses that make him look SO SEXY. (Quality #39: great taste in sunglasses). The words 'Sunglasses, so sexy' just slipped out. I tried to reinforce the idea that being popular doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter what other people think as long as you're happy with who you are. I think they liked the idea of sunglasses better though.

I went to meet Will. I wore my cousin Betty's wedding dress. We were obsessed with Princess Di's wedding dress. Now that was a fairytale wedding, only it never really had a happy ending but that's why we have fairytales, as compensation for the lack of romance in real life. We thought it economical to share a wedding dres but actually I think the dress is bad luck. Princess Diana's and Betty's marriage both failed. Oh Diary, Will's dancing was so…sexy. Then he tripped over the voluminous material of the dress we fell over and I landed on top of him. I was in his arms again! I couldn't stop looking at his mouth. I could have kissed him if I'd wanted to. How could I have? I hadn't brushed my teeth.

Dear Diary.

During our lunch break Will took me to buy a new wedding dress (Quality #40: how many men would do that?) I chose something reminiscent of Audrey Hepburn. When I stepped out of the change room, I knew Will thought I looked good. He was mesmerized. He couldn't take his eyes off me. We looked so good together. We danced to my song and diary, I really could have danced all night with him. He made me feel like I was floating. His arms didn't push or pull me, his feet were so light; we glided as one being. At the end of the song, we stared into each other's eyes, only this time he seemed lost in mine. I had my hand on his heart and I could feel his heart beat. He kept stroking my fingers. It was a feeling so sublime. Then it was over. He promptly left. Lucky we travelled in separate cars.

I barely cleaned anything tonight. I kept thinking about our dance and smelling the wedding dress for the residue of Will's scent.

Dear Diary,

Will came to my office today. He was so sad. The two songs don't go together but we both know that. 'They're both good songs though' I said. We both know we weren't talking about the songs.


	10. Chapter 10

Will hasn't been near me this week. I'm kind of glad. As sublime as it was, that dance really upset my equilibrium. I'm marrying Ken. I guess he's preoccupied with the wheelchairs. Will was dismayed that the Glee kids had so little empathy for Artie (Quality #41: empathy) so he got them a wheelchair each and they've had to spend the entire week in it. I saw Rachel in the bathroom banging into walls as she tried to manoeuvre her way through the door. She actually got out of the chair to wash her hands which I couldn't blame her for. Those wash basins are a little high for anyone in a wheelchair. Will's the best teacher in the school. (Quality 42).


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Diary,

Will came to my office today when I was cleaning the door. He needed to unload about Rachel. She has a crush on him. Who can blame her? He is the most crush worthy teacher in the whole school. They sang Endless Love – I have to admit I was a little jealous but I covered it up by saying it really wasn't appropriate for a teacher and student to sing that song to each other. It's on my Love Songs for the Lovelorn playlist. I wonder what it would be like to sing a duet with Will? He has a magnificent voice, he just soars effortlessly from note to note, like Rachel. I'd wreck the song if I sang with him. I gave Will my undivided attention as I sat and listened to his story: Two years ago, before I was a teacher at McKinley, there was a girl called Suzie Pepper who had a crush on him. I'd say she was obsessive. She called him at night. I've thought of phoning Will at night, just to hear his voice when I've felt really lonely but the thought of Terri answering the phone is enough to push the idea right out of my head. Terri was very unsupportive of the whole situation and told him he couldn't handle anything. No wonder he lacks confidence sometimes. Oh why does he stay with her? If only she wasn't having a baby. Would that make a difference? Anyway Suzie really tipped herself over the edge and ate the world's hottest pepper and had to have an oesophagus transplant! OMG virtually unheard of. I said to him, if you're feeling awkward about _telling_ Rachel how you feel, then _sing_ it to her. Rachel really listens to songs; As educators we have to speak the kids' language. Get on their wavelength. Oh why don't I take my own advice? What song would I sing? Of course I couldn't do it justice, but maybe 'My Man' from Funny Girl. Oh my man I love him so, he'll never know, all my life is just despair but I don't care, when he takes me in his arms the world is bright alright…I think I'll just sit in my room now, with my Love songs for the Lovelorn and cry.

Dear Diary,

Will asked me to accompany him when he sang to Rachel. I thought that was a very sensible idea (Quality #43). Rachel did question why I was in the room which flustered me a little, because at that precise moment I was thinking about Will singing to me, I mean Rachel, but Will just kept things business-like and I kept a close eye on Rachel. Then Will sang the line, 'Temptation, frustration, so bad it makes him cry' and he looked directly at ME as he sang it. I forgot about Rachel. Now I know the real reason why he wanted me in the room. He does find me attractive. He does feel what I feel. He wasn't just giving Rachel a message, he was giving me a message. I am smitten all over again and I'm not ashamed to admit I SWOONED. Rachel walked off thinking Will was telling her she's very young and it's difficult for him to stand close to her. It's amazing how kids will only hear what they want to hear. I was incoherent and no help to him at all.


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Diary,

Will hasn't mentioned anything about the song and neither have I. Perhaps I imagined it. No, I didn't, but what difference does it make? His unborn baby is his priority and I am destined for unrequited love and that is all there is to it. He came to my office. He fears Sue is leaking the set list to Will's competition. The obvious solution to me was to go to the schools and ask them point blank. Problem solved.

Dear Diary,

Will, being the generous soul that he is (Quality #44), invited the deaf school and the Rachel McAdams girls to use our auditorium. I think it's good for our kids to see those less fortunate themselves. It makes them appreciate what they have. Namely Will as their teacher.

I think they learnt something from meeting the other kids. They chose to sing True Colours. I snuck into the auditorium to hear them. No one saw me. Will Will and I ever show our true colours to each other?


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Diary,

It's Year Book picture time again. I think I'll wear what Sue calls my insane yellow blouse. It reminds me of Will's chin dimple. Imagine for the whole of prosperity students and teachers will look at a picture of me in the Thunderclap and they'll just see a yellow blouse, but they won't know the history behind that blouse. Only Will and I will. Sue told Will his Glee Club won't be getting their picture in the Thunderclap. She says it will just get defaced. Kids can be horrible to each other, they don't think about others' feelings or maybe they do which is why they know how to make each other hurt so much. But being defaced in a year book can make you resilient. Look at Rachel. Look at me. Will was so mad at Sue's attitude. I was mad too. It's totally unfair. What is this vendetta she has against him? She's insane, not my blouse. Will told me that Sectionals is a week on Saturday. So is the wedding. How could I have forgotten? About the wedding I mean.

Dear Diary,

Will was in my office again today. Talking about the Glee Club feeling like losers. He thinks Ken scheduled the wedding the same day on purpose. Then he said he knows Ken is jealous about our 'relationship' but he paused before 'relationship'. What did he want to say? Feelings? What good are feelings? I got irritated. What relationship? He's not leaving his wife and unborn baby and I'm not going to sit at home every night feeling sorry for myself. I'm a stronger person than that. I have a life too and it doesn't revolve around him. I defended Ken. I told him that Ken has 74 flaws but he's not vindictive. He's full of compassion and that is why I'm marrying him. I'm going to clean the inside of the car now.

Dear Diary,

I am in shock and if I'm in shock I can only imagine what Will must be feeling. Oh my heart bleeds for him. I heard some teachers in the staffroom talking this afternoon about Will sleeping on a mattress and being disqualified from sectionals. When I inquired further they said he had left his wife because she was only PRETENDING to be pregnant! Diary, what kind of woman pretends to be pregnant? There should be some sort of law. But when I think about it, I think I understand. She knew he was slipping away from her and she was desperate. He is her childhood sweetheart and she didn't want to lose him. What would I have done if I'd felt him slipping away? I understand her intentions but her method was all wrong.

Dear Diary,

My heart ached when I saw Will enter my office this afternoon. He is a broken man. He only spoke about his worry about the Glee kids. He's deflecting the pain but he needs to deal with it. He will figure out what to do with the kids, he always does (Quality #45). I advised him that he needs to give himself a break. Then I mindlessly mentioned divorce. How could I be so stupid? I just assumed he wouldn't want to go back to someone that lied to him, especially about that. He must be feeling so cheated, so abused, so destroyed. His confidence in himself will be crushed. I reminded him that he is a lot to lose.


	14. Chapter 14

**We find rest in those we love, and** **we provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us. ~****Saint Bernard of Clairvaux**

Dear Diary,

I told Will I would take the kids to sectionals. I think I may have pushed Ken away for good doing this but I don't care. He should understand that Will needs all the support he can get right now. I refuse to be part of the world that seems to be against him right now. We told the kids and they started to arc up, no one likes change, but he was firm and didn't buy into their emotional blackmail (Quality #46). He paid me another compliment telling them that I care as much about them as he does. No one could care about those kids as much as he does. Then he left us alone. Rachel and Mercedes had an argument about who was doing a ballad. We all know Rachel can bat a ballad out of the ball park so I encouraged Mercedes to show us what she had. She sang 'And I'm Telling You'. She was incredible. I listened to her words 'You're the best man I've ever known/ I'm not living without you/I don't want to be free/. I'm not going to leave you/There's no way I'm willing and it was like she was singing the words in my mind from last night. Taking the kids to Sectionals is definitely the right thing to do.

Then I had to get Will because Puck and Finn were fighting. We had our very own Days of Our Lives episode at McKinley: Puck is the father of Quinn's child, not Finn. Quinn is like a miniature Terri; the parallels to Will's situation are like something out of a movie. It was scary to see someone like Finn so angry. He's usually so placid. I wonder if Will was that angry when he found out about Terri? Did he kick things and want to punch someone? Did he look and feel so helpless?

Diary

Today was emotionally draining and I hardly know where to begin so I guess I should begin at the beginning. Will and I loaded the kids on to the bus. They should have been excited, but the whole Quinn/Finn/Puck drama has really taken its toll on their morale and not having Will go with them has made them anxious. Will told me three times he'd have his phone on. Now I have his number on my phone. I wanted to hug him goodbye. I just got on the bus instead, told Jacob to keep his hands to himself, wiped the seat and sat down.

The wind was completely taken out of the kids' sails when the other choirs sang ND's songs. They became totally despondent. Even Rachel. Artie started ramming himself against the wall. The kids needed a leader and I'm not their leader. I phoned Will. He picked up straight away (Quality #47). Finn arrived. I don't know how Will got him to come, but thank God he did, the kids got their act together and I've never felt so proud of them. I phoned Will and kept him on line so he could hear their performance. I've never felt so close to him. Rachel singing 'Don't rain on my parade' was inspiring and theatrical. She sat on the arm of my chair during the song and I felt like I was really part of the club. 'You can't always get what you want' followed and it was a real crowd pleaser. I was reminded that I can't have what I want. I can't have Will. His marriage has just broken down. He needs to sort himself out. The timing is all wrong. After I had returned the kids to school and saw Will I suddenly felt so tired and depressed. So tired of all these thoughts and these emotions. I turned on the computer and emailed Figgins.

Tonight I put on my wedding dress and waited for Ken to arrive. I knew he wouldn't. He was right when he said I would always choose Will over him. I stole his pride. Will arrived and I told him what was really in my heart; I told him the truth: I took the kids to Sectionals for him. One blink from him and I would have been out the door. I told him I had handed in my resignation because I couldn't be at that school and see him without feeling heartbroken or see Ken without feeling ashamed. Will looked just as distraught as I felt. I didn't mean to make him feel as bad as I feel, I just couldn't keep it inside any longer. I started to leave and he clasped my arm and held it. He said, 'I just left my wife.' 'Exactly,' I said. He said I make a beautiful bride. Always a compliment. I came home and wrapped the dress and gloves up in tissue paper and then a box and then a plastic zip lock bag. I don't feel beautiful. I'm sitting on the floor in a foetal position surrounded by tissues. My eyes are puffy from crying, mascara is running down my cheeks, my lipstick is smudged. I've never felt so hopeless.

Dear Diary,

I packed up my office. I was walking out with my last box of belongings when Will came running down the corridor. I couldn't figure out why he was running towards me. What was wrong? Then he stopped in front of me and took the box out of my hands and he looked at me and I looked at him trying to figure out what was wrong and I was about to ask when he put his finger up to shush me. And then he kissed me. A really long kiss (Quality #48). My insides melted. And then I was breathing again. I didn't want to look up at him straight away in case it was a dream. But it was real and I when I looked up into his eyes they were looking questioningly at me. He looked a bit worried, as if he was wondering whether or not he'd done the right thing. Yes Will, OH YES! I've wanted to feel his lips on mine for so long, he is my prince. But now what does this mean?


	15. Chapter 15

**Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy. **

**Henri de Lubac**

Dear Diary,

'Hi' he said in my office today. 'I could just lean over and kiss you if I wanted to and I _want _to.' I felt an anxiety attack coming on. What if my teeth weren't clean, what if my breath wasn't sweet, he'd never want to kiss me again. I said I'd clean up first and grabbed my oral hygiene kit, but he stopped me and said he said he didn't care. We've kissed before, but that was like a pearly white harbour sneak attack. I know my cleanliness obsession is completely unattractive, even though Will calls me adorable. How can I be? It controls my life. He invited me on a date! To his place, he's going to cook. I didn't know he could cook. (Quality #49). He knows I don't eat dairy, he wouldn't cook anything with dairy in it would he? I hope he washes his hands; what if he forgets and we both get sick? He's right, there are so many things I don't know about him but I want to know everything about him.

Dear Diary,

I went for dinner. I wore my yellow dress and cardigan. We danced to Neil Diamond's 'Hello' and Will _sang_ to me. It felt like it was written for us. I could feel his biceps beneath his shirt. Feeling his body against mine made me light headed. I feel so secure in his arms but then I don't. We kissed again. Oh that feeling. We fell to the couch and his kisses seemed to get more urgent. I got scared. He tried to reassure me that my teeth smelt great, that I smelt great, but it wasn't that. I felt like things were getting out of my control. I somehow found the courage to say 'I hadn't been intimate with anyone…ever'. I was so embarrassed. A 30 year old virgin. I've been so afraid of being rejected. Will said it was cool, but I know it isn't. How on earth is this going to work between us? Loving him from a distance was safer and didn't involve this mess of emotions. Is this really love? Or do I just like the idea of love? He doesn't really know me. He put on a mindless Bruckheimer movie, but nothing could distract the thoughts going through my mind. I left and I've been cleaning ever since I got home.

Dear Diary,

Will asked me over to his place again and the thought of his kisses and feeling his arms around me was so appealing I said yes, determined to be much more in control of my thoughts this time. We were sitting on the couch kissing when the thought came into my mind that Will and Terri might have made their fake baby on this very couch. What if there was sweat and saliva and I don't want to say it, other body fluids, unwiped on the very place I was sitting? The thought wouldn't go away and I pulled away from Will. He wanted to know what was wrong. He would have thought I was insane if I'd told him what I was thinking. How can this possibly work? Maybe we're better off just friends.

Dear Diary,

I was meant to have dinner with Will. I went to his place early and prepared grilled salmon on a bed of salad, symmetrically perfect. I measured the distance between forks and knives, made sure the napkin rings were in the exact centre, ensured the candle wick was pointing at 90 degrees. Then I heard the door unlock. To my horror it was Terri. I told her I take no pleasure in her pain, but I am happy to see Will getting a second chance at happiness. She'd come to collect her atrocious Bruckheimer movies. Then Terri hit me with something that stopped me in my tracks. 'Hello' was their song from their Junior Prom. She had to be lying. I had to find out. I drove back to school but it was locked. I couldn't go back to Will. I don't think he's over Terri. Could he be projecting his love for her on to me? He's phoned a couple of times tonight, probably wanting to know why I deserted him, but I need to sort this out in my head. So here I am diary pondering over what this might mean at 2am in the morning.

Dear Diary,

I walked into my office and Will was waiting for me. He wanted to know why I didn't stay for dinner. I showed him page 42 of the Thunderclap. Somewhere inside he's not over Terri. We were naïve. How is him compromising himself for my crazy any different from him doing it for Terri's? He agreed. Maybe by the time he's got to know himself again, I'll be ready to get a little messy. He looked at me with sad eyes that just made me want to cry. So I asked him to leave so I could cry. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me we could work through both our problems together, but maybe this is something we both need to do alone.

Dear Diary,

I snuck into the auditorium to see Will. The kids were singing the Beatles song, Hello/Goodbye. Obviously Will's dwelling on us. Why am I saying 'goodbye' to us when I've waited so long for him to say 'hello' to us? I looked down at him and he looked so detached from the kids. Have I made the right decision? Yes, it sounds like a cliché but he has to find himself, he has never had the opportunity to do that and I need to give him the space to do it. He needs to find out who he is without thinking about anyone else's needs. I don't want to be involved in an 'emotional mess'. I have enough 'mess' of my own to deal with. I'll be like his guardian angel and watch over him.


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Diary,

Rachel came to me the other day to ask me about when to have sex. I felt totally inadequate. How can I give her advice about something I find repulsive?

Dear Diary,

Will is so understanding (quality #50). He and I are going to be a girl saving team. I like that idea. I think he's offered to sleep with me. Or at least help me with my 'blind spot.' (Quality #51)

Dear Diary,

I asked Sue why I couldn't hear Madonna playing in my office and she said the reason was quite simple: I have no self confidence, no power of my body or sexual magnetism. She said I have all the sex appeal of a panda who refuses to mate. She said I didn't deserve the power of Madonna. She has a point. Maybe I don't deserve Will either. Why can't I be like normal people and just do the nasty? I need to be more like Madonna and take control. Diary, I have been controlled by my fears for too long. I need to take control of myself and my body. I shall ask Will to do the 'nasty' with me at 7.30 at his place tomorrow night. No the next night. Two days from now. I will tell him tomorrow. I know I said, he needs to be by himself for a while, but this is an emergency and he did offer.

Dear Diary,

The only ones who slept with Will overnight were my favourite shoes the Spencer Patent-Trimmed Crackle-Metallic Mary Janes from . Lucky them. The phone rang all weekend. I know it was Will. I'm too embarrassed to talk to him. He was so gracious (Quality #51) and gentle and handsome and being close to him in that way feels SO GOOD. It really does. It's just that every time his skin touches mine I think about germs and I think about bodily fluids, I freak out. I had Madonna's 'Like A Virgin' playing in my head when I arrived at his place but it kept getting interrupted by feelings of disgust towards Will and I can't tell him that, because he's far from disgusting. He's got the most beautiful soul I've ever known. I ran out of his place feeling ashamed and confused. God I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my thoughts.

Dear Diary,

I apologized to Will. He thinks we're falling into a pattern and he has suggested a no dating policy until his divorce is through. A nagging little thought in the back of my mind was suggesting my aversion to physical contact is too frustrating for him but I pushed it away. He filed for divorce today, so I guess he's certain about moving on now. I was still disappointed because spending time with him is the highlight of my day, but it's for the best. He should be spending time by himself. This hiatus is just as much for him as it is for me. While we're waiting he suggested I get some help. He gave me the number of a councillor. No one has ever tried to help me before and I've always been too embarrassed to talk to anyone. I must be like Madonna. I must confront my fears and do it. If we are to have any kind of future together I must do it. For us.


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Diary,

April Rhodes is back in town. I haven't seen much of Will at school. I have started seeing the councillor. I'm not sure I really like talking to her. It's embarrassing having to talk about my fear of germs.


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Diary,

The kids have found a video of Sue doing her 80's style aerobics. Her comeuppance has arrived.

Dear Diary,

The worst day of my life. SS came into my office. Why have I never before realized that Sue's initials are the same as Hitler's SS men? How apt. She came into my office and tried to kill me. She said she was my new psychologist. She said my mental illness has estranged me from my feelings. I nearly married Ken for God's sake. She said I take weird little steps, like I was born in imperial Japan and someone bound my feet. She makes a valid point. And she said I'm prepared to be lied to by Will. I didn't understand what she meant. Will has always been totally honest with me, it's one of his qualities. But then she hit me with this: He's been making out with some woman called Shelby and sleeping with April. It can't be true. He wouldn't betray me. Then she told me to stand up for myself. She said if I want to get better I need to communicate my feelings. I need to let Will know how he's made me feel in a public place so he can't escape. Maybe she's right. Expressing myself will help me get better. I so desperately want to be better. I'm tired of this continuous dialogue running through my head that makes me doubt myself. I will confront Will tomorrow and if it's true then I am going to stick up for myself and tell him I'm through with him.

Dear Diary,

He didn't deny it. I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with him and it's been humiliating. Meanwhile he's been fooling around with two women. How could he HURT me like this? Oh THE PAIN. I feel so humiliated and used and desolate. I thought I meant something to him. I thought he was my friend. How could I let myself be hurt like this? I thought he meant it when he said he was trying to sort himself out. I t_rusted _him. Where are the howling banshees; the harbingers of woe and death? I called him a slut in front of everyone. It didn't make me feel any better. Maybe disgracing him in public wasn't the right thing to do? He looked wounded but there was something else in his eyes – was it pity? Pity for me being played for a fool? Or pity for himself he got caught?

Dear Diary,

Will phoned me tonight to say Sue was trying to sabotage our relationship and he wanted to set things straight. I listened. He said he didn't have sex with April, she just slept over, in his bed! He said, he knows that sounds bad, but she's like a sister to him. He was trying to support her because she's going through a tough time. He said he kissed Shelby but it meant nothing, he didn't know what he was doing. He kissed her and then he kissed me? Her germs, are on me! He said he was sorry for unintentionally hurting me. Were these revelations supposed to make me feel better? **NO NO NO. **

Dear Diary,

I've been mulling over what happened and I've come to a conclusion. Will came to my office bearing a peace offering. Flowers. They were beautiful and they were my favourite colours. He apologized again. I told him I know I'm supposed to be impressed by how in touch he is with his feelings and moon over him but I can't. It still hurts too much. He started crying and said he just wants me to look at him the way I used to. Part of me wants to. But I told him I can't. Our relationship can't be just about what makes him feel good. I understand he's not married now and having the freedom to explore who he is with other people is his prerogative. It's not like we ever made any commitment to each other. I just thought I meant more to him than I did. I was blind. We need to see each other for who we really are. Maybe I don't meet his expectations, maybe he doesn't meet mine, maybe neither of us know what we're doing or where we're going or how we really feel? I'm not seeing that councillor any more, Sue told me she committed suicide, I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm not going back, what's the point? I know Will has 51 qualities but right now, they're null and void. From now on, no more blinkers, no more rose coloured glasses.


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Diary,

Rachel has laryngitis. I saw her walking along the corridor with a teabag sitting in a bowl of cereal. She's such a drama queen. She looked like she'd just rolled out of bed. I don't feel so well either. I'm going to stay home and avoid everyone at school.


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Diary,

I've had Artie in my office today telling me he wants to prepare himself for when he'll be able to walk again. I don't want him to not have hope, but he needs to be realistic. I broke it to him as gently as I could. Poor Artie, some dreams are not achievable. I heard Will got the lead role in the local production of Les Miserable but he gave it up so that the Glee kids might achieve their dream. (Quality # 52). Why am I still counting Will's qualities?


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Diary,

I thought going to the dentist might cheer me up. I love a good oral clean. Dr Howell was showing me his instruments and how they are all sterilized. I found it really interesting. I asked him if I could get one of the sterilizing machines for home use. He said he could arrange it. Then he asked me out. I said yes.


	22. Chapter 22

Dear Diary,

After all of these weeks, Will appeared in my office. I felt nervous, but then I thought, why should I? He came in seeking my advice about the kids. I reminded him of that day I showed him himself performing and how happy he was. He has to remind the kids that it's not about winning, it's about doing what you love. He looked at me with those kind eyes and said 'I've missed you.' Stand strong I thought and replied, 'I'm seeing someone. His name is Carl Howell. My dentist.' He asked me out. We've been going out every night since then.' Will wanted to know if I'd slept with him, but he realized it was inappropriate and apologized. I guess he was in shock. I felt like I owed him an answer though. 'No', I said. 'I just feel like you and I had our shot.' He walked off. Like a dog beaten into submission. He'll have to get over it. I like Carl.

Dear Diary,

ND lost. I shouted at Figgins. It felt so good to really let go. I was devastated for Will. Sue cheated. We've all worked so hard and now it's over, just like that! I stormed out of his office and Will stopped me in the corridor. He wanted to know what was going on. God, how could he be so calm? I asked him how could he just give up without a fight? Aren't the kids worth fighting for? Some things are worth fighting for. He thought I was talking about us. But I said, no, this is about the kids. He said, 'the hell it is, I love you and I you love me and dentist or no it isn't over between us. Then he did another of those surprise kiss sneak attacks. I can't deny I could have kissed him longer. (There's a flaw: he weakens my defences). Maybe we should have talked about us, but Rachel interrupted and he left. (There's another flaw: he never stops Rachel from interrupting us). All I could do was stare at him. No. Things were just too messy between us. He still isn't divorced. He's still not over Terri. I have trouble being intimate, both physically and mentally. It's too difficult. I need to work on myself. Besides, I like Carl; we have fun together. Most importantly, he seems to be helping me with my germ phobia.


End file.
